Reflections from a midlife journey
Learning to live with death
It’s been quite the month and didn’t turn out at all as I had anticipated. Even though July tends to be a rough month for me, I was looking forward to what lay ahead. Perhaps I was lulled into a false sense of confidence because, last year, July passed with relative ease.
But no. This year, the July funk hit early and hard. The July 4th holiday was one of the most melancholy I’ve experienced. By the 5th, though, the funk already seemed to be passing, much to my relief. That relief was short-lived.
Surrendering to the call and letting myself be led
My time wintering wasn’t what I expected. I had visions of hygge-licious days filled with soft light, warm blankets, good books, puppy snuggles, and naps.
There was some of all those things. And there was a lot of work. For sure, there were moments of joy, but the time was not entirely enjoyable. Sprinkled amidst periods of contentment were moments of grief because this time wasn’t unfolding as I had imagined.
Let your heart break
Last week I received word that the last of the dogs I shared with my ex had crossed over the rainbow bridge. Brady was a good dog. He was a bit of a dinglenut and was the most pain-in-the-ass puppy I have ever experienced—then or now. Still, I loved him and he had a special place in my heart. I didn’t think my heart could break again losing Brady for a second and now final time, because he had already been absent from my life for so long. But it did.
The skinny branches
Like so many, I have felt saddened and overwhelmed by recent events. As well, I have felt clumsy and incompetent in how I can help. I feel very much like those tender leaves at the ends of the skinny branches—exposed, fearful, and uncertain at being pushed out past the edge of my comfort zone.
Navigating transition
July was a month of loss. Four souls in my larger circle passed away. I was doing pretty well being with the loss and staying present to my feelings until the news of last death. That one pushed me over the emotional edge and suddenly I was eight years old again. It’s my experience with this loss and the change it affected on my life that established the pattern for how I would handle transitions from then on.
Opening to love
When a friend lost her beloved unexpectedly several weeks ago, I was overcome with emotion—desperate sadness and concern for her but also sadness at remembering my own losses over the years. I know grief. Not this particular grief, which is unimaginable to me, but grief nonetheless.
The letdown of letting go
Not for a second since accepting the revelation that I am no longer going to pursue the B&B have I felt a sense of regret. In many ways, I feel like a weight had been lifted. The decision has left me feeling freer and more buoyant. That’s not to say, though, that the decision didn’t leave me feeling sad.