The letdown of letting go
Not for a second since accepting the revelation that I am no longer going to pursue the B&B have I felt a sense of regret. In many ways, I feel like a weight had been lifted. The decision has left me feeling freer and more buoyant. That’s not to say, though, that the decision didn’t leave me feeling sad.
Letting go of the B&B dream created a sense of loss. I have been holding onto and moving toward this dream off and on for several years. Letting go of the dream also created a small sense of panic because if not this, than what? How can I put what I love and what I’m good at to use in the world?
The answer to those questions—and I’m sure many others that have yet to spring to mind—lies in the letting go. By letting go of the B&B and the striving and pressure that entailed, I am, as the Wasp suggests, allowing myself the notion that all things are possible.
However, even being firmly grounded in my knowing and decision didn’t keep me from feeling envious of those I saw who are moving toward and achieving their dreams. I felt like I didn’t have anything to show for the time, money, and energy I spent pursuing the B&B.
Why is it so easy for some people to identify a dream, an opportunity, and make it happen—bring it into the world, I wondered. I felt angry that I couldn’t make the B&B happen. I felt like I had failed. I was feeling a little lost and adrift.
Grieving the loss
Rob Bell once said something that has stuck with me and has proven to be both great comfort and guidance during periods of change. Essentially he said that all change is loss—even good change—and that loss needs to be grieved. Letting go of the B&B dream is good change, without a doubt. Still, I need to allow myself to grieve that loss.
One of the gifts of that process is acknowledging that I didn’t fail. The decision to let go of the dream was my choice, which echoes one of my favorite personal commandments: I don’t have control but I always have a choice.
It will take some time to completely release my attachment to the idea that a B&B was my destiny. For now, I choose to focus on being the innkeeper of my soul.
