The surprising obstacle standing in my way

Well, this was not the post I had planned. In fact, it’s not even the post I had started to write.

In that post I was sharing how, in early April, I brought everything to a complete stop. Innkeeper of Your Soul. My search for a small J-O-B. My new Everyday Grief publication on Substack. It had become clear to me that this wasn’t a time for action; it was time for solitude. I was spinning in circles, and I needed to stop so I could hear the inner wisdom that would guide me forward.

Writing that post was a slog. Every time I sat down to work on it, I would think “blah, blah, blah … blech!” I should have known, and on some level probably did, that the right words weren’t coming because I hadn’t yet landed on the truth that wanted sharing.

Then, around 3 a.m. last Tuesday morning, the truth made itself known and my head finally started accepting what my soul has known for awhile …

I am letting go of Innkeeper of Your Soul.

(I recognized this as Truth because the message came in the kind, soft voice of my soul and not the fearful voice that accompanies the barrage of thoughts that often pinball around my head in the middle of the night. The voice I refer to as Chicken Little.)

“Oh, shit” soon turned into “Oh, yeah.”

Of course, this is the truth I had been resisting. The truth I needed to tell myself. The truth I needed to surrender myself to.

This truth made me incredibly sad. As I lay there in the darkness, I could feel an inconsolable grief deep in my chest. I could see some part of me down on her knees sobbing.

Honestly, although I wasn’t expecting to let go of Innkeeper of Your Soul, the truth came as no surprise. I heard the first whisper of this truth a couple of months ago. I didn’t ignore it but neither did I accept it.

During my down time last month, I started asking for guidance and paying attention to the signs and messages that showed up. In the quiet, one message came through loud and clear: I had too many open loops—projects, tasks, and ideas—and these loops were draining me of the energy I needed to move forward. So, I spent time in those weeks closing some loops, which included Everyday Grief.

I also kept getting the message that there was an obstacle blocking my way. However, I couldn’t see it as such because it had become part of my landscape—familiar and beloved. (When literal roadblocks and detours didn’t get the message across, a quail finally did. I’m sure I confound the universe. The feeling is mutual!)

When the revelation arrived at 3 a.m., I finally understood that the obstacle in my way was Innkeeper of Your Soul. This is the loop that needs closing.

It has been hard to think of letting go of Innkeeper of Your Soul. Of the many things I’ve done and created in my life, nothing has been more me.

Letting go of Innkeeper of Your Soul can sometimes feel like I am losing a part of myself; for sure, a part of my identity. Innkeeper of Your Soul represents and reflects what has been a pivotal time in my life. More than the external accomplishments (getting married, moving to a new state, becoming a life coach, etc.), this chapter has been about healing, belonging to myself, and finding my voice. And being the innkeeper of my soul has been essential to making those internal shifts. (That journey started here.)

At the same time I am grieving the loss of Innkeeper of Your Soul, I know that this death is not just an ending but also a beginning. If I’m being honest, there is a sense of relief as well as of excitement and anticipation. It feels like spring has bloomed in my heart. Letting go of Innkeeper of Your Soul feels like freedom, and that’s the ultimate confirmation that I’m moving in the right direction.

I don’t yet know exactly what letting go of Innkeeper of Your Soul means for me or what it will look like. I have some ideas but I’m taking it slow. What I do know is that I will keep writing because being a writer is baked into my very being.

So, this isn’t goodbye. You’ll hear from me again. I have more to say and share about all this.

Thank you for being on this journey with me. I am deeply grateful for your presence and company along the way.