The illusion of separation

Of all the things that can keep us stuck in our lives, the belief that we are alone in our experiences can stop us dead in our tracks. Believing we are alone not only keeps us separate from other people but also, and most importantly, it keeps us separate from our true self. Our hearts and souls know, though, that when we are connected to our essential self, we are connected to everyone and everything around us.

However, being asked to physically distance yourself from others, as we are right now, may be increasing your sense of separation. The lack of social interaction may have you living in your head even more as you try to cope with the current pandemic and the onslaught of information related to it, which further separates you from the innate resources that connect you to your inner wisdom, your truth. Your heart, your soul, and your body.

In my recent Out with the Old (OWTO) program, we had a thoughtful conversation about separation and the bottom line was this: Our sense of separation is an illusion.

When we are struggling with a sense of separation, we believe the source of our suffering is coming from outside us when, in reality, it’s coming from within us. But the ego spins stories to distract us from our truth in an effort to maintain the status quo, even if it’s causing us emotional pain or discomfort.

For example, one of the participants in OWTO believed that being separated from her husband several times during his military career had hindered their emotional intimacy. However, when she took a step back, she could see that they had remained intensely close and connected during those times of separation. In fact their marriage had grown in spite of, or even possibly because of, those separations.

It wasn’t the actual physical separation from her husband that was causing her suffering and her sense of lack in their relationship. It was the illusion of separation created by the story her mind made up about the separation. The truth is that although she and her husband may have been physically separated, her essential self knew they were always deeply connected. Now, they’re closer than ever.

When you can recognize that your sense of separation is coming from a false story your mind is making up, it becomes easier to find your way home again.

That’s the aha another OWTO participant experienced. She realized that one of her core struggles has been between her true self and the person she is in the world, especially as it relates to her job and her family. This separation between her essential self and her social self has caused her a lot of pain and confusion.

When she identified this false story, the truth emerged, which was that she has never been separated from her true self and that every part of her has served a purpose. Knowing this, she can now make choices that align with her essential self. She also realized that this has been a lifelong journey from separation to connection and wholeness—from false love (in the name of love) to real, true love of the self.

What a gift!

Healing a sense of separation can be challenging when you’re entangled with whatever story the ego is spinning. Here are a couple tools to help you get out of your head and connect with your essential self.

Become the watcher. When you are in the muck of mind stories, try to take a step back and become what Martha Beck calls “the watcher.” Rather than actively engaging with the story your ego is spinning, try observing it from a distance like you’re watching a movie or a play. As the watcher, you can more easily discern your truth from the false story of the ego.

Take action. When I experience a sense of separation, it’s often because a need isn’t being met. If this sounds familiar, rather than fall victim to the ego story that someone else isn’t meeting your needs, stop and ask yourself, “What do I need right now?” This gets you out of your head and returns you to the present moment. By taking action on your own behalf, you can connect with your essential self.

Write it out. Journaling is one of the best ways I know to connect with your soul and mend the separation within. Here are a couple questions to reflect and write on around separation: Where in your life do you feel a sense of separation? How would letting that go create a greater sense of connection?

These tools are equally effective in helping you create some peace and ease within yourself when struggling with uncomfortable thoughts and emotions around the coronavirus pandemic.

(Note: Examples shared from Out with the Old participants were used with their permission.)