Learning to live a deliberate life
When I went dark in early January, a memory resurfaced of something a colleague once said:
“I’m tired of living my life in the margins.”
I knew what they meant. I knew how they felt. Then and now.
Our always-on, 24x7 culture leaves little room for actually living. Doing the things that fill your soul, make your heart sing, and connect you with your essential self—who you are underneath all the social expectations and cultural conditioning. In other words, doing the things that not only bring you to life but also give you life.
Living isn’t what culture has led us to believe it is—getting the education, landing the job, finding a partner, having kids, buying the house, etc. Although all those things can bring you a sense of joy and satisfaction, my experience is that they are not always the things that fill your soul.
Once upon a time, I had many of those things. I was living “the life,” at least the life I thought I was supposed to be living. I had a good job making good money. I had a stable relationship with a husband who made really good money, which eventually allowed me to quit my job and start my own business. There were luxury cars and other toys, a custom-built home on acreage, and three dogs. Then there were the extras like travel, entertainment and activities, and swanky meals.
But instead of feeling full of life, all I felt was dead inside.
Over the years I had given up many of the things that brought me to life because others didn’t approve, support, understand, or encourage those activities.
It’s an easy trap to fall into, especially if you’re a people pleaser. We get so busy building a life that we forget to live a life that reflects who we are—not who others expect us to be.
I’ve done a lot of work over the past decade to reclaim my life for me and to remember, and in some cases discover, the things that fill my soul. So, it was surprising to me when the memory of what this former colleague once said resurfaced.
When I sat with the memory, I began to see where I had become out of balance in my life. I had been prioritizing work and other obligations and mistaking that for living. I had inadvertently hit the autopilot switch. Again.
Noticing this, I began asking myself …
What does living feel like to me?
The list was quite long and included such things as …
Breaking from the routine or ditching the routine all together (who says the towels need to be washed on Thursdays and the sheets changed on Sundays?)
Saying yes in the moment to a glass of fizz by the firepit at sunset or spending a couple of hours at a local museum
Letting go of my to-do list
Time to just sit and stare out a window
Not filling my calendar with too many commitments too far in advance
Watching a movie or reading a book in the middle of the day
Letting myself sleep longer or taking a nap because my body needs the rest
When I looked at my list, I noticed a theme.
Living feels like slowing down.
Slowing down creates space for me to recognize what is and isn’t serving me as well as what I want. Slowing down creates an expansive feeling of time where I’m not living life pinched in the margins but instead living on the full page of possibility. When I slow down, there is no judgment, only acceptance for living as my body and soul desire.
I saw an Instagram post from Tosha Silver that said, “Rushing is a form of scarcity.”
Amen, sister!
We rush because we believe there isn’t enough time. And we’re rushing even when we think we’re not.
Take evenings and weekends, for example, so-called leisure time. Yet we’re rushing to do all the things we didn’t get to during the week so we can hurry up and fit in some fun. We’re rushing to pack in as much as we can so we can feel like we have a life outside of work (whether you work from home or an office). But when we’re rushing, we’re living according to someone else’s priorities and expectations.
When we slow down, we live more deliberately.
You don’t need to live by a pond in the woods to live a more deliberate life. Slowing down is a conscious choice, a decision you make again and again, day after day whether you live in the big city, the ‘burbs, or the country.
When you slow down, less becomes more. You may do fewer things but the experiences will be richer, more satisfying, and more memorable because you were more present. Or you may find that you actually get more done because you’re following your body’s and soul’s lead. At least, that’s often my experience.
Slowing down allows you to notice what feels like inspiration and what feels like obligation.
Obligation doesn’t always refer to a chore like doing the laundry or cleaning the gutters. Obligation is anything you feel you should do, even if by culture’s definition that thing is considered fun, like going ax throwing with your partner’s officemates. Likewise, in the moment, inspiration could feel like cleaning the floors or giving the dogs a bath.
What feels like inspiration or obligation to you is constantly changing. Slowing down allows you to discern between what feels like obligation and inspiration in the moment and make a conscious choice to do something different.
However, you’ve probably become so accustomed to rushing that you don’t even realize when you’re doing it. In order to slow down, you need to notice when you’re rushing. And that’s a good place to start. Just notice. That is enough to slow you down.
As you become more adept at noticing when you’re rushing or even feeling the pressure to rush, the next step is to stop what you’re doing and take a couple slow, deep breaths. If you also happen to be physically moving, like walking across the office or through the house, slow your steps waaaaay down. Breathing and moving more slowly will create the space you need to get curious about your actions.
Then, in this space, ask yourself …
Why am I rushing?
There are numerous reasons why you may be rushing but they generally fall into two categories. You’re merely trying to get through a long list of obligations. Or, and I have found this often to be true in my experience, you’re trying to get through an obligation so you can get to the thing that inspires you.
If you’re rushing to get through an obligation so you can get to the inspiration, ask yourself …
Is what I’m doing need to be done right now?
If the answer is no, then ask yourself …
Can I postpone or even bag [fill in the obligation] so I can [fill in the inspiration] instead?
If the answer is no, spend some time reflecting on why that is. There could be a legitimate reason, but chances are it’s because you’ve been conditioned to believe (as many of us have) that play comes after work and that meeting other people’s needs is more important than meeting your own.
Now, ask yourself that question again and see if you get a different answer.
If your answer to the question about whether what you’re doing needs to be done now is yes, then carry on. Notice, though, if you accomplish the task more quickly because you took the time to slow down first. Slowing down when you must do something helps moves you from resistance to acceptance and lets you move forward with more grace and ease.
Now that is living deliberately.
