In the shadow of comfort

We all have innate gifts whether we are conscious of them or not. If we are aware of our gifts, we can use them in service to ourselves as well as to others. But when we’re asleep to our gifts, they can be a detriment to our own well being.

Take me, for example. I have a soft, subtle energy that creates a sense of peace and comfort. I didn’t knowingly understand this about myself even though others have commented on it over the years. It wasn’t until recently when I read It’s Just My Nature that I understood what a gift it is, my innate ability to provide a sense of comfort to others. However, this gift has also backfired on me.

Let me explain. Not only is being a source of comfort in my nature but so is putting other people’s needs ahead of my own. In other words, I tend to focus my gift of comfort on others while putting my own comfort on the back burner.

This is how it has shown up in the past. A number of years ago my ex and I had a dinner party with some friends and my in-laws who were visiting from out of town. It was during the aftermath of the 2000 presidential election (you may recall the “hanging chad” dispute) and the conversation at the table turned to politics and other controversial topics. The conversation got heated and I got uncomfortable.

In this situation, I became so focused on how to make everyone else feel comfortable that I didn’t acknowledge my own discomfort. I was at such a loss as to how to right the situation, I withdrew myself from the uncomfortable situation. I just walked away from the table.

That’s the shadow side of comfort. I want people to feel comfortable all the time in every situation, an unrealistic and impossible achievement. What I now know is that my ability to be a source of comfort is a gift only when I am the source of my own comfort.

Looking back, there are a couple things I could have done to restore my sense of comfort within myself first before attending to anyone else’s comfort.

Notice my discomfort. Recognize that I was uncomfortable with the conversation and interpersonal interactions.

Breath. Focus on my breathing to get out my head and back into my body.

Speak up. Make my discomfort known to the group.

Take care of me. Request a change of subject and/or withdraw myself from the situation.

I am not talking about turning away from or denying an unpleasant emotion. This strategy is not meant as a way to bypass negative feelings but to acknowledge them, own them, and act in your own best interest without projecting your feelings onto others or making assumptions about their feelings.

On this particular occasion, because the others involved were family and friends, they likely would have honored my request to change the subject. In another situation, other people may not. Regardless, in either circumstance, if I decide to remove myself from an uncomfortable situation to ensure my own sense of comfort, everyone would understand why.

Here is what I deeply know: I deserve to give myself the same comfort that I provide others; in fact, more so.

This is a newer awareness for me and one that requires showing up in a different way. Being a source of comfort is part of who I am. That will not change. What is changing are the boundaries I hold around this aspect of my true nature. I will not put other people’s comfort ahead of my own. I will not accept a false sense of comfort when it keeps me from my truth. And I will not comfort others at the expense of my own comfort.

It will take a while for these new boundary muscles to gain strength. In the meantime, I can take comfort in knowing myself better. And understanding the shadow side of my inherent nature? That’s the real gift.

Let me ask you: What is the shadow side of your innate gift?

P.S. Just when I thought I was done with this post, I heard these words as part of this morning’s Daily Calm meditation:

“The mind prefers to lose itself in a fog of thoughts rather than focus on what’s happening in our body in the present moment. Our mind is good at rationalizing why we feel the way we do and imagining ways to make ourselves feel better. But what we’re doing is clinging to comfort, which further distances us from the attainment of true peace. True peace can only be achieved through confronting and accepting our true nature.”

Perfect message. Perfect timing.