Growing pains
Preferences. We all have them. And those preferences, from the seemingly insignificant and mundane to the profound, shape our identities and how we see ourselves.
As we change, our preferences change. It can be sad and uncomfortable to discover that something you once loved no longer fits or serves who you are. Letting go of a preference means letting go of a piece of yourself, of who you know yourself to be. But holding onto old preferences stifles your growth.
This summer has been a period of growth for me, embarking on new adventures I never would have considered before. But adopting these new ways of thinking and being has meant letting go of some old thoughts and behaviors, and questioning my preferences in the process. And it’s these preferences that have made some of the letting go really tough.
Case in point: I have two pairs of shoes I know I need to let go—to a friend, consignment, or Goodwill. I’ve been looking at these shoes for well over a year and telling myself they need to go, but there on the shelf they continued to stay.
After a particularly enlightening session with an incredible new coach, I felt emboldened to take the shoes off the shelf and put them next to the donation pile in my closet. Immediately I fell victim to the thought “They’re so cute!” and tried on one of the shoes, really just to prove to myself they needed to go. Damn, if that shoe didn’t make my outfit look sassier and more stylish. Now the shoes are sitting on a different shelf above the donation pile but not on the donation pile. Sigh …
The truth is these shoes with their 3-inch platform heels are completely impractical for my current lifestyle and where I live. There is far too much uneven terrain, even in town. I am just asking for a sprained ankle at best or a broken ankle at worst. Also, I have few if any occasions to wear the shoes. I work from home, after all. I think I’ve worn one of the two pairs once since we moved to Bend two years ago. And, honestly, the shoes are no longer comfortable for me to wear for any length of time, meaning more than 30 minutes.
The shoes are like a bad boyfriend. I only remember the good until I spend any time with them. And when I’m away from them, I only remember that they’re cute. I don’t remember the pain and suffering they cause me.
My relationship with these shoes reminds me of the scene in When Harry Met Sally when over lunch Sally tells her best friend Marie (Carrie Fisher) that her married boyfriend is never going to leave his wife. Marie says, “You’re right. You’re right. I know you’re right.”
The shoes need to go. You’re right. You’re right. I know you’re right.
“Suspend your preferences; they may be getting in the way.”
The fact is these shoes represent another time in my life—another version of me that no longer exists. Here’s the rub and why I am having such a hard time letting these shoes go: On some level, I would prefer to still be that woman. Stylish, sassy, and successful. But I am not that woman.
Holding onto these shoes is holding me back from becoming who I am meant to be now. These shoes are holding me hostage to old definitions of what it means and, more importantly, how it feels for me to be stylish, sassy, and successful. By letting go of these shoes, I am creating the space I need to redefine myself and grow into the woman I prefer to be now.
I’m not going to lie. Personal growth can be painful at times but not as painful as those shoes.
So, what preference do you need to let go of in order to grow?
