Just be here

I mentioned a couple posts back that I have been struggling with life in Bend. I’ve had a hard time finding my people. I’ve certainly met some very nice people and done some coffee, lunch, and cocktail dates, but very few have really stuck. There hasn’t been that sense of connection,  that spark that says, “Hey, I recognize you. We’re in the same tribe.” 

I’ve also struggled with finding my places in Bend. You know, those places that make an area feel like home and give you a sense of belonging. And I just haven’t found my thing in Bend. There is always something to do here. Sure, I’ve done lots of fun things since moving here—from a moonlight canoe trip, public rock choir, and Nordic skiing lesson to outdoor concerts, yoga, and beer festivals. I’ve enjoyed them but, again, nothing has stuck. Nothing has said, “Yeah, that! That lights me up. I want more of that!” 

I have spent a lot of time and energy thinking that I need to find my people, that I should be out there finding my places and things here in Bend. I’ve lived here for almost two years. What’s wrong with me? But every time I think about putting myself out there, my essential self just says, “Meh.” And again I think, “What’s wrong with me?” 

Five magic words

I’ve been going around like this for a while. I’ve been coached on it. I’ve coached myself on it. Still, I haven’t been able to muster the motivation. 

Then just last week, I was listening to the quarterly call that Martha Beck holds for her coach tribe (of which I am now a part … squee!). It was the last 10 minutes of the call and she took a question from a coach who’s been struggling with a recent move. I almost dropped off the recording at that point. Something in me wanted to turn away and turn off but something else, something stronger, made me keep listening. Thank god I did. Martha said five magical words that made everything I’ve been struggling with make sense. 

“You’re in Square One, honey.”

Oh my god, yes! Tears of truth sprang to my eyes, even now as I type this. It’s the first thing we learn about in coach training. Square 1 is the first stage in the change cycle after you’ve experienced a catalytic or life-altering event, such as a divorce, a serious illness, the death of a loved one, or the loss of a job. Square 1 represents death and rebirth—your own. It’s where the self you’ve known to that point dissolves in order for a new you to emerge.

Moving to a new state absolutely qualifies as a catalytic event. I just hadn’t considered I was in Square 1 because I’m almost two years removed from the actual event. When I thought about it, though, it makes perfect sense why I am just now, or have been for the past couple of months, going through Square 1. The first year and a half we lived here were filled with distractions—the initial move, finding a permanent home, Todd finding a job, surviving the escrow from hell, moving again, settling into the new house and all the repairs and improvements that has entailed, my first real winter, etc. Here’s the thing about Square 1: You can delay it but you can’t avoid it.

Finding my way

So here I am, squarely in Square 1. I can’t tell you the peace and freedom, even joy, that epiphany has brought me. Now I understand my lack of motivation and general disinterest—the meh-ness. Instead of resisting it, thinking I should be doing something different or making more of an effort, I can just embrace it. Here, in Square 1, I know what to do—make only small moves, rest, grieve the losses related to the move (like the changing nature of now long-distance friendships), and work on disbelieving any thoughts that may be holding me back.  

I’m not sure where all of this will lead and I don’t need to. I will find my way when I get there. For now, I’ll just be here.